Validation

What Are We Really Seeking?

I have been thinking a lot lately about validation.

The Oxford dictionary defines it as the action of checking or proving the validity or accuracy of something. It also defines it as recognition or affirmation that a person, or their feelings or opinions, are valid or worthwhile.

To me, it feels like a very adult word.

Something we strive for as full-grown adults…looking for affirmation that we are on the right path. That we are doing the “right thing.” Personally. Spiritually. Professionally. Even in our most intimate relationships.

We are always, in some way, seeking validation.

Where It Begins

As children, we seek validation first from our parents.

Then, as we grow and develop, we begin to look for it everywhere else.

Siblings.
Peers.
Teachers.
Co-workers.

It shows up in grades.
In being accepted into groups.
In invitations.
In promotions.
In salaries.

The world offers countless ways for us to measure whether we are “enough.”

The Deeper Layer

But there is another layer to this.

We seek validation in the form of love.

I hear this often in therapy, and in the rooms of AA:

“Were you validated as a child?”

And to me, that question translates to something much simpler:

Did you feel loved?
Were you cared for?
Were your needs met?

Because at its core, that is what forms us.

When Validation Is Missing

When that validation is missing, or inconsistent, or confusing…we don’t stop seeking it.

We just begin looking for it in different places.

In people.
In work.
In achievement.
In approval.

We begin to build our lives around trying to feel something we may not have fully received.

And sometimes, we don’t even realize we’re doing it.

Sourdough Taught Me Something Different

Somewhere along my journey, sourdough entered my life.

At first, it was just bread.

Flour. Water. Salt. Starter.

But over time, it became something else.

It became a practice.

A rhythm.

A place where I learned to stop looking outward…and start paying attention inward.

Sourdough does not respond to urgency.
It does not respond to pressure.
It does not respond to comparison.

It responds to care.
To consistency.
To patience.

You cannot rush it.
You cannot force it.

You simply show up, tend to it, and trust the process.

Faith and the Quiet Shift

At the same time, my faith deepened.

Not in a loud or performative way.

But in the quiet, daily practice of beginning my day with gratitude…thanking God for another day of sobriety before my feet even touch the floor.

That became my foundation.

And slowly, something began to shift.

I wasn’t looking for validation the way I once had.

Because I was no longer trying to prove something.

I was learning to live it.

When Validation Shows Up Anyway

And then…something happens.

You’re just doing the work.
Showing up.
Staying consistent.

Not chasing recognition.

And then, unexpectedly, it finds you.

Recently, I was accepted into the Proof Intensive cohort.

A space where you don’t just sign up…you apply, you are considered, and you are chosen.

And in the message I received, they said:

“You’ve already done something many people only talk about doing…you’ve started.”

That landed.

Because I wasn’t seeking that affirmation.

But when it came, it felt different.

Not like something I needed.

But like something that confirmed what I already knew.

What I Know Now

Validation, as I once understood it, felt like something I had to earn.

Something I had to search for.

Something that would tell me I was finally enough.

But what I am learning now is this:

When you are rooted in your faith…
when you are grounded in your daily practice…
when you are living in alignment with what you are called to do…

You don’t need validation in the same way.

Because you are no longer asking the world to tell you who you are.

You already know.

And Still…

There is something beautiful about being seen.

Not because you need it.

But because it reminds you:

You’re on the path.

Warmly~
Kathy
Art of The Crumb