True Confessions From My Kitchen

When It All Unraveled

Yesterday was the first day I experienced what I can only describe as a complete disaster with my loaves.

I had a large order to prepare. Four jalapeño cheddar loaves and ten original sourdough loaves.

The jalapeño cheddar, I mixed by hand. It was a smaller batch and, truthfully, easier on my hands.

But the larger batch went into my new Estella mixer.

And that is where things went off the rails.

As my dad used to say…
“the lug nuts came off.”

And unravel it did.

That Feeling You Can’t Ignore

I knew the moment I took the dough out of the mixer and transferred it into the bins.

Something was off.

The dough was sticky.
Not cohesive.
It reacted differently.

But I kept going.

Thinking maybe I was imagining it.
Maybe I was overthinking.

But I wasn’t wrong.

Something was way off.

One Batch Told the Truth

The jalapeño cheddar loaves performed beautifully.

They responded to every stretch and fold, every coil fold, every inclusion just as they should.

They came together.
They held their structure.
They moved the way good dough moves.

I shaped them, let them rest, placed them into bannetons, and tucked them into the refrigerator for their overnight proof.

There was no question there.

The Other Batch

The other loaves…

That is where the unraveling continued.

I found myself in panic mode.

Questioning everything.

What did I do wrong?
What step did I miss?
What changed?

The Long Night

I spent the entire night searching for answers.

On the Estella website.
Watching videos.
Reading.
Trying to find the one thing I could point to and say…this is it.

There was no sleep.

Just questions.

The Morning After

This morning, the jalapeño cheddar loaves were exactly what they should be.

Beautiful.
Strong.
Right.

And the others?

They weren’t.

They weren’t recognizable as my bread.

Not the loaves I know how to make.
Not the loaves I would ever share.

So I threw them away.

What We Don’t Share

We don’t usually share those loaves.

The ones that don’t turn out.
The ones that don’t photograph well.
The ones that aren’t “worthy” of being posted.

There isn’t much space for that.

Unless, of course, I created a blooper account.

And I’m not sure anyone would follow me for that.

Why I Share It Here

But this space is different.

This space has always been different.

This is where I come when something needs to be said honestly.

This comes from hours of journaling.

From a practice I began three years ago, when I was broken, walking through the deepest grief and loss of my life.

Writing became part of my healing.
Part of my becoming.

And so this is where the truth goes.

Back to the Beginning

So here I am.

Back to the drawing board.

Letting go of what I cannot change.
Learning again.
Adjusting again.

Being willing to not have the answer.

Still Becoming

There is something humbling in this.

Something necessary.

A reminder that no matter how far we come, there is always more to learn.

More to understand.

More to surrender.

And so I begin again.

Still becoming.

Warmly,
Kathy
Art of The Crumb